5 tips to support loved ones who struggle with mental illness

Research shows that friends and family are a vital part of someone’s recovery from a mental illness. It is, however, not as clear cut as what we can do. We will all have our individual boundaries and roles in that person’s life, and it will differ person-to-person. Below are some general tips and ideas to consider that may help to keep you and your loved one happy and thriving.

Understand their Support System

We can’t be everything. The GP, the social worker, the counsellor, the psychiatrist. We have to assume our own role and be explicit in the type of support we are able to give. It is however crucial that you know the larger support system your loved one has in place, as it will help you to encourage them to seek support from various other people during difficult times. Do they have any health professionals they work with? What are their roles in your loved one’s life? How can they support them? Are there any other friends, or family who are particularly helpful? Have they also reached out to them? We all have our strengths in what we can offer to those around us, but we must remember that we cannot offer everything, and a wider network will be able to support your loved one more than just one individual. The African Proverb “It takes a village” applies here. The entire community must work together, we can’t do it on our own.

Become their Coach not their Rescuer

When we see our loved ones in pain, it can be difficult to differentiate between rescuing and supporting them in a way that is helpful for both sides. Rescuing means you try and fix their problems for them. It re-affirms to your loved ones that they can’t help themselves, which induces a victim mentality. They will feel stuck, and unable to move forward. In order to become a coach, we need to put a different hat on and change how we communicate.

There are many ways to do this, but here are some important examples:

• Listen with empathy and try to put yourself in their shoes
• Acknowledge their experiences
• Ask questions to elicit healthy actions (e.g., what has helped in the past that made you feel better?)
• Remember your role in that person’s life. Say no to request where you don’t have the skills or training to help, know your limits
• Have they got the appropriate support system in place? If not, can you encourage and help them to think about ways to establish a wider network?

This will help your loved one become a survivor, accept responsibility, and take action toward their well-being. However small or big. You can be there along the way, a shoulder to lean on to help them move through the experience. You will create a healthy dynamic between the two of you, with clear and consistent boundaries.

Encourage them to seek help

It is hard to ask for help as it makes us feel vulnerable. When we already established a trusting loving relationship with someone, that someone can be the person who encourages us to seek the support we need. The first step can be the scariest part. Having someone there next to us, even when we make that first phone call to a therapist or doctor can be tremendously helpful. Sharing your own experiences of the challenges you may have encountered can also help. We can’t force people to seek support, but we can encourage them. It can take some time, but patience is the key here. Re-assure and let them know you are here for them.

Look after yourself

It is not easy to see someone we love hurting. This may be the time for you to also engage in some external support such as therapy. It can help you to process, maintain your coach stance and boundaries with your loved one. It is easy to stop looking after ourselves if we are consumed by trying to help someone else. Remember, in order for you to offer support, you must be in a place to be able to do so. This requires self-care.

Educate yourself

Knowledge is power. We may not be an expert on the subject, and we don’t have to be. However, it helps to know what your loved one is going through (for example, if they have specific symptoms or diagnoses you can read on that subject). It also helps to know what support is available, and what may be the most useful for them (e.g., more serious illnesses such as schizophrenia may require the person to have a dedicated clinical team looking after them, someone with mild depression may find just therapy on its own useful enough). Having this understanding can be very useful for your loved ones as they may feel too overwhelmed to look into what support is available.

A final note. Patience. It takes time, and everyone is different. Having difficulties with our mental health is normal. We will all experience it at some point, and with some love and support we can overcome those challenges and become a better, stronger version of ourselves.

”Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. –Joshua J. Marine”