Coming out and receiving support in the workplace
For Pride Month 2022, our fantastic practitioner, Tricia, sat down with four friends in the LGBTQ+ community to find out what it’s been like for them coming out, being out and receiving support in their workplaces.
What advice would you give to those preparing to come out?
Trey S., a gay male working as a director in the financial consulting industry, shared the following advice for those struggling to understand or identify their sexuality.
“I'd say in my experience, you'll continue to have a lot of unresolved questions and struggle until you start putting action behind getting more self-understanding. That means being willing to try things, make mistakes, come out multiple times in different ways, date different people, date the wrong people, come out the wrong way...Until you start taking action to try to better understand yourself, who you are will just keep feeling like a big question mark.”
Sage, who is transmasculine and uses he/they pronouns, added:
“I would tell someone to focus on themselves first. Pronouns do not equal gender, and labels should only be used if they feel comfortable to you. You can just be you before you are nonbinary/trans/etc..”
Joe D., a gay male working in the meeting & event planning space, shared:
“I would recommend that they first not rush the process. Take the time to reflect and try to properly identify what they are feeling. A label is not important but feeling secure in yourself is the priority.”
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What advice would you give to someone around coming out in the workplace?
Sage:
“I'd say always keep yourself safe first. If you feel safe coming out in your workplace, then that's wonderful. If you don't, it doesn't mean that your gender identity/sexuality isn't valid. It just means that you don't feel safe and comfortable in your workplace, which is the most important thing. If you do feel safe, I would come out to your boss first, especially if you coming out means that there are any name changes or pronoun changes. As for coworkers, the labour of coming out to each one can be intense, so I'd just correct it as it comes up. Or if your boss is open, maybe have them inform your coworkers for you to take the labour off of yourself.”
Joe:
“I would tell them that being their authentic selves in every aspect of life will lift a tremendous weight. We spend more time at work than we do with our friends and family. It is important to feel secure to be who we are in the workplace to allow them to focus on their job.”
Trey:
“This one is a challenge because unfortunately, you still have to read the room in terms of what your legal protections are or how much you might need to fight for them, how culturally acceptable it is at your company to be out and the risks to your career. There will always be people who think it's just unnecessary and weird for people to "talk about their sexuality" at work, not realising the double standard they are imposing where cis hetero people simply get to exist as they are, while LGBTQIA can be seen as being "too sexual" just by simply talking about vacation plans with a romantic partner of the same gender.”
Andrew B., a gay male working in the finance industry added:
“I currently work in a conservative environment and my advice would be if the workplace is not conservative or ultraconservative, and if you work in a region where sexual orientation is a protected class (i.e. you can't get fired on the basis of sexual orientation), to ease it into conversation. If a coworker is so bold to ask about your sexuality, hopefully said coworker has enough decency to have previously asked about your weekend or evening plans first, allowing a conversation to make a smooth transition into your personal life.”
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Did you ever feel unsafe to share and express your sexuality in the workplace and do you feel this limited your career potential and overall job satisfaction?
Sage:
“Feeling unsafe for sure made me not want to go to my old jobs in the past. A lack of awareness of queer issues made me feel unsafe and judged and overall distracted me at my former place of employment. It also makes me worried about finding places of employment that make me feel the safest. Job searches take much longer and cause much more emotional turmoil.”
Joe:
“Feeling unsafe at work can put you in a constant state of anxiety and it can be difficult to focus on your work at hand. It is easy to understand how you would not be happy if you were under constant stress. Feeling supported and safe are the basic needs of all humans. If your basic needs are not being met, satisfaction and career potential will be difficult to achieve.”
Trey:
“Feeling unsafe at work saps your authentic power. When you spend any amount of energy maintaining an illusion for the sake of acceptance, it diverts energy that you could be putting towards creative expression in your role.”
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What support or messaging from your companies has been most essential in enabling you to bring your whole, authentic selves to work?
Joe:
“It is important for me to see my organisation support LGBTQIA+ employees through the support of employee resources groups, financial support of organisations that benefit the community, and by documenting employee rights that allow us to feel secure that we can be our authentic selves at work. It is also important to see the organisation support association and education opportunities for LGBTQIA+ employees with groups such as the Human Rights Campaign and Out & Equal.”
Trey:
“For me having my firm be a place where stories like mine were celebrated, such as in our internal newsletter, and firm leadership published articles on allyship or in support of LGBTQIA+ on LinkedIn, I knew that it was a safe place. The local leaders in my office knew and celebrated my story, and since they knew me personally their support meant the most.”
Sage:
“The reassurance that my deadname will not be shared with other employees is really really important to me. When people's name changes aren't legally finalised and their deadnames are out there, having them be as secretive as possible is of the utmost importance.”
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What was your memory of coming out in the workplace?
Joe:
“The thing that stands out the most is that no one really cared. Sounds negative, but it was actually quite positive. I was able to just be me at work, with my co-workers, and it was not a big deal. That did wonders for my confidence and ability to just focus on the work.”
Trey:
“I'll never forget when I was in the middle of going through a lot of rejection from family, and mentioned it to my boss, she put her arm around me and said, ‘we will be your family now.’”
Sage:
“What stands out the most to me is either overwhelming support, or resistance to understanding I received. I've gotten a lot of people simply stating, ‘I don't know how those pronouns work’ or ‘I don't know what that means.’ It's very tiring to have to explain pronoun usage to people, when in reality people call people neutral pronouns every single day. There is a lot of somewhat unnecessary pressure on queer people to defend their own identities. I think further sensitivity training for employees, in general, is important. And the proper explanation of the emotional turmoil misgendering and other microaggressions cause.”
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How can companies continue to support LGBTQIA+ employees beyond Pride month?
Sage:
“Offering resources for their LGBT employees, making a considered effort to make sure that pronouns and names are used correctly, and offering teaching webinars to cishet employees to make sure that the work environment feels safe. Doing more charity efforts all year round to multiple marginalised groups and not just using them as a marketing ploy is also very important to me. Putting BLM or LGBT Ally in a company's mission statement means nothing if you don't show up for those groups of people when it really counts.”
Andrew:
“My company has regular training on how not to be a victim of ransomware or social engineering. It would be progressive if they had a sensitivity training on what is and is not acceptable in the workplace, illegal questions during interviews, outline protected classes, and a brief summary on the history of the gay rights movement. The same should be done during Black History Month and Women's History Month.”
Joe:
“While pride month is a wonderful time to be supportive of the community, it is important for LGBTQIA+ employees to feel supported year-round. Make it a priority to ensure that we have equal benefits as our colleagues. Offer health benefits that are supportive of our life such as same-sex partner health coverage or transition support. Make it a priority to encourage the employees to be active within the organisation through affiliation and education events. Create a culture of inclusion and make it a point to highlight the efforts of minority groups.”
Trey:
“Provide support for employee groups such as a budget for happy hours or people connecting with each other throughout the year. Match contributions to causes that go on throughout the year. Ensure that health care plans, family and fertility benefits are inclusive and supportive for people of all genders and orientations.”
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How can allies support their LGBTQIA+ colleagues in the workplace?
Sage:
“Stepping in when someone says something incorrect to take the emotional labour off, and not talking over people when they're explaining why something is wrong or offensive.”
Andrew
“Either be a confidant, that extra set of vigilant eyes and ears if something is potentially amiss in the workplace or casually share stories of supporting the community.”
Joe:
“I think the best thing that allies can do to support the community is to be involved. Show up at ERC meetings, participate in pride events, and be vocal if you hear someone say something that is harmful.”
Trey
“Personally, it means so much to me when allies get involved with fundraisers and charities that support LGBTQIA+ causes. It may seem token to some, but when people who have ‘no dog in the fight’ step up and contribute, it means the world to me.”
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How important is mental health care and getting the right support in the LGBTQ+ community?
Trey:
“For me I realised that I have a lot of emotional and psychological scars that can manifest themselves in different ways in my career performance. Having an accomplished gay mentor who shares with me the things he does to take care of his mental health in spite of the demands of our profession, has made a huge difference in feeling like I can do what I need to do to take care of myself.”
Andrew::
“Having a safe space each week to talk through some of the struggles I experience as an LGBT employee has been a gift. The work with my coach has helped me identify tools and best practices to navigate uncomfortable professional situations, while also helping me find my voice and speak up for myself and my rights.”
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Everyone at MYNDUP would like to wish you all an amazing 2022 PRIDE! If you feel like you would benefit from having a chat with someone regarding any aspects of coming out, being LGBTQ+ please reach out to one of our amazing practitioners. They have extensive experience and they would love to speak with you. If you are unsure about which practitioner to choose, please reach out to us at hello@myndup.com we would be pleased to help you! Happy Pride!!
